Two weeks ago, I had an epiphone. The kind that whispers for months until you finally listen in the car on the way home from the cottage with everyone asleep in the backseat.
..quiiiit youurrr joooobbbb….stay across the country…it hissed
When I heard this voice, I felt it in my bones. The way those women describe in books turned to movies about moving across the world and finding yoga or whatever. My heart swelled and I knew it was the right thing to do.
…Ten minutes later my head kicked in.
How could I afford this? I was already behind on saving for this trip across the country, and what about losing my work benefits? My tenure? The steady income? The question marks added up until I convinced myself that taking a sabbatical in February was far more reasonable, followed by the thought that never doing it was even more reasonable and I should just forget the whole thing.
But being a healer and channel and all, of course I couldn’t let this internal battle between my heart and head end. So I pulled some tarot cards.
…new beginnings…starting over…new beginnings…follow your heart.
Now I was really screwed. How do you do something so illogical that feels so right? How do you just trust and surrender the way that every new age author guides you to, without being practical?
My whole spiritual life I have been proud of the fact that I’m both connected to light and grounded at the same time, never ignoring the fact that despite we are all love and endless spirit, we are also in this human body and physical world. But now the reality of trusting my spirit was being tested. Was I ready to blindly fall into the trust of the universe? Or would I still try to control and manipulate my life myself?
Jump forward 4 days to me quitting my job while they try to talk me out of it.
Jump forward another day to me crafting and polishing my justification speech for why I was right to quit my job.
Jump forward yet another day to sitting on the bed with my best friend, listening to her say she also wants a change. But instead of hearing her, I fixate on the fact that I made a huge mistake and money is actually the answer.
Watching myself objectively over the next 2 hours was hilarious. At any moment, I was:
- strategizing big businesses that would make me more cash
- brainstorming careers that I should really be doing
- judging myself for being poor
- comparing myself to the rest of my friends
- re-living all of the comments people have made over the years that sparked shame in me
- belieiving those comments and thinking I should be ashamed
- kicking myself out of shame and coming up with more big-cash ideas and jobs to apply for
- planning to give it all up, move to the country and live off the land so I never have to work
- realizing that would never work and starting all over again
This is how messed up we are, guys. Notice that at no point did I consider what my lovely friend was actually saying was that the money she made didn’t make a damn bit of difference in how she felt in life.
At any given time we have two voices available to us- the head and the heart. And while the practical voice is useful, it has no idea how to deal with what makes our heart sing.
Our mind’s job is to keep our bodies alive. It does this by avoiding fearful things.
Our heart’s job is to keep us on the path to our purpose. It does this by whispering quietly until you are ready to listen.
As I follow this path of doing what my heart has told me to do, I have learned what it’s like to battle my mind. I’m teaching it to trust me just like the animals I have trained over the years. It just needs a little love and someone to understand where it’s coming from. What it doesn’t need is someone to obey it’s every thought. For right now, practical is not the right thing to do. It’s time for adventure. Scary, awesome, freak-me-out adventure.